28 November

It's 6:13 pm 2nd day of Eid El Adha I'm sitting in my room with nothing lit up but my personal computer totally surrounded by darkness. I'm terribly sad because today I've lost a dear relative and I didn't have a chance to call a prayer for him before he got buried but this isn't the only reason of my sadness. I've just came out off shower and I made sure to close my room window after. Her window was curtain less again but I didn't want to see her...not anymore and I wish she know it. I once thought love never dies and it's true, it just gets cancer and slowly day by day it becomes cachectic more and more till one day it doesn't breathe. I know I'll never go to her again and I'm sure she won't so why give her or myself a false hope !.

Anyway the other reason of my sadness can be described as me returning to an old addiction. I try to find a reason why I keep coming back but as usual just in vain my thoughts fade as no reason is strong enough to justify years of going forward then backward in the same circuit and deep down I feel there's no hope left for me to stop the poison of it running in my veins.

Every time I fall I tend to rise up again but in each time I'm weaker than before, even a call to heaven became so far for my will to reach, letting despair take the control over me is my exit from all the fights I'm escaping. I know what gets me starting it but every time I promise myself a no return I let myself down.

Funny though sadness to me is like magic you won't believe how easy words come out when I'm in such mood. I stop fighting the current my bad actions drift me into so my mind gets so clear yet still I'm wishing a divine hand correcting my path will show up but I should remember fate doesn't help those who can't help themselves.

I'm considering a daily classic blogging after the exams but don't know if I can anyway almost no one reads this so I think it will be ok to write down everything running in my dizzy mind...everything J